Getting Unstuck
We all get stuck from time to time. A million and one things can freeze our flow. The current COVID19 pandemic really threw me for a loop and landing I did not expect. Even relatively resourceful and resilient people are challenged by these unpredictable and unprecedented times.
If you are felling stuck, you are not alone. If you are worried, you are not alone. If you are bored, you are not alone. If you just cannot wrap your head around the state of the world, you are not alone. You are in great company! If Coronavirus is not the cause of your stuckness, it is probably one of another hundred things that have you at capacity or beyond!
It’s good to realize what got you here but what I think may be more useful is to consider how you might begin to “thaw” from your frozen or stuck state. I have a few practices that help me when I get stuck.
Start With “YES”
Saying “yes” to what is happening in this moment. Acknowledge that things are tough right now. Often telling a trusted friend helps loosen up the fibers of endurance and begin to allow for a little more freedom. A long phone call with a dear and trusted friend lead her to say, “Wow, you’re really frozen right now.” When she compassionately named that for me it was like a light bulb went on. It was so true. I didn’t want to be frozen. It was frustrating the hell out of me. The fact is, I was fighting it tooth and nail. I didn’t want to admit that I was feeling, or acting, like I had no options. Naming my frozen state helped me move toward the next thawing step.
Find the Story
Once I’m able to say “Yes” to my current experience it opens the door to look at it with more objectivity. Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” If you slow down, you’ll find the story. My recent freeze in response to the Coronavirus turned out to include numerous stories. Here are few of the chapters: “I Won’t Have Enough; I Won’t Survive; I Don’t Have Any Options and Why Bother – I’m Screwed.” Identifying the chapters in my story led me to question, “Are they true?” They usually are not. My insecurity rears its head as it drags me limply toward the frozen world of victim-land.
Self Compassion
Healthy self compassion is not always something we learn growing up. Often our formative years were a MasterClass in self-judgement and perfection-striving. We learn the importance of showing compassion to others yet often fail to do the same for ourselves. Dr. Krisitin Neff puts it like this, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a stiff upper lip mentality, you stop to tell yourself ‘this is really difficult right now,’ how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”
Do Something Different
Habit insanity is doing something the same way, repeatedly, expecting different results. Sometimes our stuckness has become a faithful and familiar friend. There can be an odd comfort in that kind of familiarity. When we realize we are stuck or frozen and that we want something else, we must begin by doing something else. We need to move toward shifting our state of being. Here is where baby steps might come in. For example, if you’re feeling sad, it may be too big a leap to simply choose to be happy. Mindfulness tools like HeartMath offer practical resources that can equip you to shift from depleting states of being to more preferable renewing states.
Remember self compassion? Shifting your state of being will take a little time and mindful self-awareness. Go slow. Notice how your thoughts, actions and emotions object, follow or shift as you take steps in new directions. Taking side steps can also help break up icey resistance to change. Here are a few side steps I have found useful when wanting to make a change.
Take a different route. Drive a different way to the grocery story or gym. Get used to changing it up.
Phone a friend. Tell someone you trust about your desire to make some changes. Find some support for your journey and be willing to be vulnerable about it.
Let go of rumination. Adopt the idea that everything in the past is truly in the past and need not dictate or direct your today or tomorrow.
Repeat
This is a journey not a destination.
You’ve been stuck before. You will be stuck again. As you develop a comfort with the “Yes” and learn how to practice self compassion, you will find new ways to move from frozen states of stuckness to new, preferable states of freedom and flow. Think of this journey as a practice rather than a panacea. You are not an equation to be solved. You are a perfectly imperfect human being. You are art.
If you’re stuck right now, there must have been a time when you were not stuck. If a million and one things can freeze our flow, then perhaps a million and one things can thaw us out and free the flow of life once again.
You got this!
Keep going my friend.
It’s about the journey.
Travel well.